letters to sunday | months four and five

Baby,

My sweet, smiley baby girl. I have lost track of what happened and when. The past month and a half has been a blur of firsts and a million smiles. I can't tell you where one month ended and the other began. It was somewhere right in the middle that you hit this point where you just got it. You get life. You're here now and it's all totally making sense. It is so fun to watch you discover that things are happening around you.

I truly don't know where to begin. I am leaving so many things out, I just know it. Hopefully the pictures can fill in some of the blanks for you.

You reach for anything that is in your sight and you want to put it all in your mouth. Your grasp is so strong, and oh yes, I feel it regularly. Your nails! Oh the nails! I have to clip them like every other day. You are a little growing machine!

You have found your voice and you KNOW how to use it. You have opinions and you share them. These days I can't tell if you are in NEED or WANT... and I believe this is the beginning of a life long prayer for discernment.

You adore your johnny-jump-up. Love it. You spend hours in it... and I think one day I'm going to find you fast asleep in it. :)

Your naps? They seem to have disappeared. My once wonderful sleeper has turned into miss socialite and you don't want to miss a thing! The only place you can fall asleep peacefully and quickly these days is your car seat. Perhaps mama has taken you one one too many a road trip? It's okay - at least that's something I know for sure will work.

You definitely prefer to be in my arms over anyone else's. And that is quite alright with me. :) I like our little bond...! I'm enjoying it while it lasts because boy is it true that time flies.

You gave up playing in the pack-n-play. The place where you once spent chunks of time playing and exploring has apparently turned into a boring, lonely space. You'd rather jump in the kitchen or lay on the couch! I wonder where the next few months will take us in your world of desires.

Oh and I gave up on bottles. I pretty much have decided that you'll need me by your side every 3 hours for the next few months. God is good and He didn't make me face this realization until He knew I could handle it. Since you are such a quick little eater these days I am okay with having you by my side (and um, chest...) so often. At first it felt like such a time-consuming thing, having to breastfeed you what felt like constantly. But I am finally beginning to understand what all those experienced moms talked about. It's becoming our special time together... we cuddle and you relax and find comfort in these moments. It's priceless to me.

We went on our first family vacation in March and it was SUCH a breeze with you! We went to a cabin at Smith Mountain Lake. You were such a great sport... easy to please and super laid back. We expected it to be a tough adjustment, going on vacation with a baby, but we couldn't have asked for a better trip!

You love bath time, Hawkeye's kisses, getting your diaper changed, playing with your feet, riding in the car, being in your aunt Christy's arms (she keeps you moving!), being outdoors, keys, screens that glow (phones, tvs, tablets), being carried in the ring sling, and mornings with mama.

You are not the biggest fan of playing alone, falling asleep without eating first, sitting in your car seat if it's not en route somewhere, sleeping on your back (not anymore! Now that you can roll over it's the first thing you do when I lay you down!), being away from your mama for a large chunk of time, or anything else when you are tired. :)

I am sure the next time I write a letter to you, it'll be all about your first foods and mobility. Ahhh I can't believe it's right around the corner! Can't you just stay little forever? <3

I love you sweet girl, oh so very much.

xoxo, mama

My favorite wrap

Before I had Sunday, I would tell Tommy regularly "I am going to wear the baby all. the. time." "It'll help me lose weight."

"I'll go on walks while wearing the baby."

"I don't need a stroller that will fit in the trunk. I'm going to wear the baby."

Hah. Ha. Hahahaha.

I said so many things before Sunday arrived... :)

So, apparently, when a baby falls asleep in a wrap something weird happens. You kind of lose control of your posture and you slunch down into a position that curls baby closer to you. And then you don't move. At all. You know, in fear of waking the baby. And then your back gets sore and your posture is all messed up and... and... Well... no surprise here. That gets old. Fast.

When Sunday was about two weeks old I tossed out the idea of wearing her all the time. Every now and then when she seemed to just need to be held all day long, I would strap her on and halfway do my chores. (She hated when I did the dishes and her feet would bang against the counter top.) But other than that, I mostly only wore her when I was out of the house running errands or visiting friends.

A few weeks ago my friend Jessica showed me her collection of wraps, slings and structure carriers. She let me borrow one to take home to try and I fell in love with it. It's the one many of my FB friends have seen in pictures:

Sunday loves it. She has gotten used to it and she curls up next to me when I plop her in it. She lays sweetly against my chest and calmly observes the things around her until it's sleepy time. Then she tucks her little head down, nuzzling into the darkness and drifts off to baby sleep heaven. I can feel it happen as her weight suddenly becomes heavier and she just relaxes. But I stay comfortable.

I love it. She loves it. It's a win/win.

A lot of people have asked me where I got the wrap. I got it from my friend Jessica. I offered to buy it from her after trying it out for about a week. The other day I was with her and I asked her to tell me the story of the wrap because so many people had asked me. So, here's how Jess got this wrap into her hands (I hope I got this right!):

1. Jess and another girl went in together on a didimos linen wrap (size 7, I believe).
2. They split the wrap in half (I believe they paid to have this done professionally).
3. Jess took her 3.5 wrap and paid to have it converted to a ring sling (called: wrap conversion).
4. Jess continued to collect numerous wraps, slings and carriers and felt there was no need to keep this beautifully crafted wrap-conversion-ring-sling.
5. Jess sold it to me.

So, when people ask me "Where did you get that? Can I get one?" The answer is not an easy yes. But, yes, you can get one! It is a drawn out process, but I have to tell you that I believe it is completely worth it. I will use this ring sling for many years (if God blesses us with more babies, that is). I have zero plans to ever get rid of it. I LOVE it!

You may ask... what is the difference between this wrap and a regular ring sling from the store? The quality, the fabric, and the strength. Regular ring slings are often made of thinner material and they don't offer the same support as a wrap. They are uncomfortable, especially after baby falls asleep and you've got dead weight strapped to your torso. The sturdiness of the didimos linen wrap material is THE reason I would pay more $$ for a wrap-conversion. :)

So... I hope I answered your questions! I was getting a lot of feedback and I wanted to lay it all out in one place for you guys. I know I made it seem complicated... but let me just make sure you heard me right: It is worth it! I'm tempted to go through the process myself just to get another color. But, that would just be silly and I know it. ;)

--------------------------------

UPDATE: Luckily I have friends who aren't afraid to correct me when I'm wrong. :) As it turns out, DIDYMOS now actually offers wrap-converted ring slings right on their website. PAXbaby also sells them with completely different color options. Of course I make everything more complicated than it needs to be. Oops! :)

letters to sunday | month three

My sugar bear,

I never thought I'd be one to have little cheesy names for my kids (or for anyone in my life)... but I just cannot help myself with you. I love all of the silly feelings of affection that spill out of my heart through ridiculous words and sing-songy voices. It's probably ridiculously entertaining for anyone who observes my interaction with you. I can't help it - you love it and I will do just about anything to make you smile.

The past few weeks have been tough on my mama heart. We're trying to teach you to fall asleep on your own and it has really been hard for me. You just find such comfort in drinking yourself to sleep. It's so sweet and cuddly of you, but we are trying to teach you how to fall asleep without eating. It's one of my first big challenges of parenting. You are getting the hang of it... but you really don't like it. And I don't really like it either. But I know it's better for the both of us.

You are beginning to practice rolling over! It's so fun for me to watch you try. A couple of times I've helped you make it the last little bit and then you get all upset because suddenly you are on your tummy and you don't like it at all. Oh, my silly girl. :)

You are officially out of all newborn and 0-3mo clothes. I have sorted the clothes in your room probably 5 times in your short little life. I can't believe how quickly you grow!

As it turns out, you continue to refuse any sort of pacifier or bottle. In fact, I got so desperate last week that I pulled out the sippy cup for you to try. And when I warmed up that valuable breastmilk and you refused it yet again, I spoon fed it to you. I just couldn't bring myself to throw away another bottle of milk! The spoon feeding actually went pretty well... but I can't really expect a babysitter to try that in the future. So I plan on continuing my efforts to familiarize you with the sippy cup.

You are beginning to really enjoy all of the baby entertainment centers we have around the house for you (okay, just two). It was just the other day when I noticed you were starting to explore the little animals and color wheels on your jumping set for the first time. It was so fun to see you noticing new things! But you are just as happy laying on the couch with a dry washcloth in your hands, too. And that makes me a proud mama. :) My easy to please little girl!

Together we are still trying to discover a good routine for the both of us. Lately your napping needs have been completely unpredictable. I've sort of given up trying to go out and do much for the next few weeks. I'm determined to figure out a routine for the both of us and if that requires we stay at home for a little while, then I'm okay with that. I'm just crossing my fingers that our time at home will pay off with a routine... eventually!

Oh! We pulled out the disposable diapers. I bought some for a trip this past week and when we got home, your dad unloaded everything from the car except those diapers! I laugh at him, but I do think it's pretty adorable that he wants you to be his all-natural babe.

Oh Sunday... it is so fun watching you grow. There are days when I can't wait for you to sit up and grab at toys or crawl around... and then some days when I want you to remain my small little cuddly girl. I do my best to cherish each fleeting moment with my beautiful baby girl.

Mama loves you!

letters to sunday, month two

My precious baby girl, This month brought so many new developments in your sweet little life. You recognize me now and you smile when I talk to you. I have even caught you laughing in your sleep!

Speaking of sleep... you are the best night sleeper ever. Bed time is immediately after daddy gets home (and should probably be earlier but then you would only see daddy 3 days a week) around 7pm and you sleep solid until about 4am. Then you eat quickly and sleep again for another 2-3 hours. I thank my lucky stars every single day that you are such a wonderful night time sleeper.

You are learning to entertain yourself and you don't need to be held constantly anymore. You sit on your own longer and longer between feedings and naps... giving mommy lots of free time to get things done. And she is oh so grateful. :)

You have met many new friends this month. Between the new babies at the cafe and all the new babies that have arrived in the past few months, we are never short of someone to meet and play with. I can't wait until you begin interacting with other children, but for now I cherish the moments that you interact with just me.

You are a wiggly little thing! Just in the past few days you have gotten a lot more active, kicking your feet and swinging your arms constantly. This morning I came into your room and found you completely sideways in your crib! Oh the changes that continuously unfold... we love it!

Your dad adores you. He is constantly telling me how cute you are - as if I didn't know that already. He is an expert at getting you to fall asleep without eating at the same time - something I wish came as easily for me. But it's okay, I really enjoy our feeding times that we share. You are a good little eater and you have been since the hour you were born.

You LOVE the bath! And you even love the shower, with the water splashing on your face. This makes your mama SO happy because she loves the water and hopes to create many summer time swimming memories with you. So far it looks like we are on our way. :)

Breastfeeding was a bit of a struggle for us in the beginning and it scared me away from giving you any artificial nipples for a while. But the last few weeks we have been trying to get you to take a paci and a bottle (shhh, don't tell the doula!) and it turns out... you are NOT a fan. However, mama's persistent and we shall keep trying.

You sleep best during the day in your car seat. This makes exercise even easier for mama... you fall asleep super fast once we get going on our little jogs. Thank you for being such an easy babe.

I can't wait to watch you grow and continue to develop into the beautiful little lady that you are.

Love always,

Mama

reflections on having a home birth

Below is a collection of thoughts I've had about Sunday's birth while either preparing for it, experiencing it, or processing it. I understand my thoughts may bother some people, open a debate, or otherwise simply annoy others. Please know it is never my intention to offend anyone and my hope is that perhaps someone, even if it is just one person, will be inspired by my rambling to further research and educate themselves on their own childbirth options. It is important for you to know that I am not an expert nor do I consider myself an expert in this field at all. These are simply my thoughts and experiences from my pregnancy and labor with Sunday. Being my first go-round, I learned and processed a lot. Below is my little collection.

• People are quick to assume that having a baby at home is equal to having a baby alone in your bathroom with no medical professional around. Not always true (and not true for me).
• I lost count how many times people said to me "If I had had my baby at home, I would have died." First, please don't ever insinuate to a pregnant woman that she could possibly die during labor. We all know it is possible. You saying that is not going to make her to change her mind. Second, as soon as those words were shared I knew immediately that the person saying them was unaware of the midwifery model of care. While it couldn't be more opposite from a doctor's model of care, just because it is different doesn't mean either model is wrong.
• The midwifery model of care is based on the fact that pregnancy and birth are normal life processes, using intuition, observation, and very minimal intrusion. I spent 9 months of pregnancy (trying my best) eating healthy, exercising, accepting the educated advice and guidance from my experienced midwife, having my urine tested at every appointment, and accepting less-risky alternatives to GBS, Strep-B and blood testing. My midwife observed me throughout the nine months, we had an open relationship about how I felt physically and mentally, and together we trusted my body and both of our intuitions to communicate to us if there should be anything to be concerned about.
• I feel extremely blessed and thankful to God for a healthy, normal pregnancy and a complication-free delivery. While I tried my  best to do all that I could do (eating well, taking vitamin and mineral supplements, staying active, and choosing a less-intrusive model of care), I know that there are so many things I have no control over and I cannot express how grateful I am that everything went as smoothly as it did. I credit only God for that.
• I cannot imagine making the transition from hospital (read: 24/7 assistance and company) to home so soon after delivering a baby. I know I was emotionally all over the place those first few days after having Sunday and it was an adjustment enough for me to be awake and stuck to a baby every 2 hours on the hour. Moving myself and baby from a hospital environment to a quiet, empty home environment would be a whole other situation to process. I am grateful I did not have to do that.
• I am not sure that I could have avoided the temptation of an epidural had I labored in a hospital.
• I did not deliver Sunday naturally because I wanted to have a natural birth. I had a natural birth for two reasons: 1. I wanted to deliver at home and it was my only option, and 2. I wanted the least intrusive birth experience possible. But it wasn't about "the experience" of doing it naturally... if that makes sense.
• I was inspired to research home birth options after I photographed a home birth in 2009. It was the most calm, intimate, and enjoyable birth I had witnessed (I had witnessed a handful by that time) and I left that birth positive that I would also attempt to have a home birth.
• When I got pregnant, Tommy asked if he could name the baby "Jubal Bedford." Jokingly, I said "Sure, if I can have a home birth." He immediately responded with "I think you should totally have a home birth, that would be awesome." And I was suddenly freaked out. And definitely not okay with the name Jubal Bedford.
• It took some time for me to feel comfortable having my pre-natal appointments in a living room (midwife) vs. the comfort of a doctors office. I grew up going to the doctor, so in my mind, the Dr's office had all the answers and security. It wasn't until I was about 5 months pregnant that I truly felt comfortable and confident in our decision to have a home birth. Had I not come to that place of confidence, I would have transferred my care and delivered in a hospital.
• I recognize now how important it is for a woman to deliver her baby where she feels the safest and most secure. For more on this, check out Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. That book was, hands down, the most influential for me during my pregnancy. I began to really trust my body and my intuition after reading it and I now recommend it to all of my pregnant friends. (Here is a great, unbiased review of the book from a father-to-be.)
• I was not once checked for dilation before or during labor. While it can be exciting to know "how far dilated" you may be, I found that it was neither helpful nor hurtful to know or not know. However, being checked does have health risks and the more often you are checked, the higher the risks. I was encouraged by my amazing doula to avoid being checked and I can say I do not regret my decision to stick with that plan.
• It's kind of fun to tell people you're doing so many things "out of the norm." Home birth, no scheduled induction, no dilation checks, no sugary drink for the diabetes test, etc. That was a little too enjoyable for me.
• I found myself surprised by how many women are pregnant and completely in denial about birth. "Don't talk to me about labor, it freaks me out." Unfortunately, I have taken that same mindset with other aspects of my life and wish, in retrospect, that I had been educated about options ahead of time. I didn't want to have that same regret about birth.
• I am so grateful I hired a doula and do not plan to ever deliver another baby without a doula by my side. Laurie ran the show, comforted me, coached me through a birth that could have lasted hours longer had I been stuck in one position, encouraged me, encouraged Tommy, and nurtured us.
• I am also grateful that I hired a doula who was also a certified lactation consultant. I had complete confidence in my ability to breastfeed as long as Laurie would be there to coach me and make sure I was doing it right.
• I cannot believe how badly breastfeeding hurt at first.
• In fact, motherhood itself is the most physically painful thing I have ever experienced. From the discomfort of pregnancy, to labor, delivery, the pain of getting started with breastfeeding, to the soreness in my body from losing core strength during pregnancy... I didn't realize how much of a BABY I was. And how low my pain tolerance is as well. Good to know now. :)
• Slowly, but surely, motherhood gets better daily.
• I have no regrets about having a homebirth. I am so glad we did it and by the grace of God, we'll do it again.
• If I could change anything about my pregnancy and labor experience I would: eat better & exercise throughout the pregnancy as well as take a hypnobirthing class. I could use a bit more relaxation next time around. :)