on my latest priorities...

Priorities: What is most important and meaningful in your life today — activities, values, beliefs, lifestyle, principles, standards, hobbies, integrity, etc. — that you are not willing to compromise or sacrifice in pursuit of something else, a goal.

Goals: A future-based, anticipated expectation, possibility, end result, or experience that you are working towards creating, achieving, or bringing to fruition, which has not yet been realized in the present.

I'm working on trying to align my priorities and goals this year. I've recently recognized that what I am spending my days doing is not going to help me reach my personal goals. I've got to get some re-prioritizing going on.

A few of my personal goals:

1. I want to truly long for time with Jesus. I want to thirst for the Word and the wisdom and clarity it brings.
2. I want to long for a long run. Learn to love running and dare I say become addicted to it. (And truly enjoy myself as I run the 2012 VA Beach Rock-n-Roll 1/2 Marathon in September.) (Note: I understand the word addiction does not align well with #1. ;))
3. I want my house to be clean and decorated in a simple but refreshing manner at most times. (In turn allowing our guests to feel comfort and peace when they are in our little home.)

What I'm spending my time on lately:

1. Hanging out with friends. Lunch dates, coffee dates, visitors in the home.
2. Processing images, updating websites, and writing blog posts.
3. Resting. Napping, catching up on sleep.
4. Brainstorming new ideas of activities to participate in and projects to complete.

Not that any of these things are bad... they are mostly good for my soul. But I hope to begin gently steering my time towards the direction of completing my goals...

I'm off to jog with my little running buddy and our awesome jogging stroller.

A little glimpse...

A little glimpse into the first half of our weekend... camping... running... hiding from the rain. The trip started out beautifully and ended wet, dark, and freezing. But Tommy had a victory... getting his first PR in the Promiseland 50k race. Sunday and I got up with him to see him off and then met him around the halfway point to encourage him a bit. And of course we were there at the finish line to greet him. He did it! I'm so proud of him!!

(all photos taken with my phone)

Don't beat yourself up...

"Don't beat yourself up!"

I've heard the phrase a million times. Don't tear yourself down… give yourself a break. I've SAID it a million times.

It never became real to me until yesterday. I woke up in the morning feeling like I was hit by a truck. Emotionally, physically… the day was not starting off on the right foot. And it was all my fault.

You see, I went to bed late the night before. Later than I have in months. I stayed up late chatting online with some friends. One friend mentioned something about my parenting decisions and set off a downward spiral of emotions, second guessing myself, and eventually tears (the first in months - kind of huge for me).

I tossed and turned all night. I second guessed my decisions. I wondered if I was making life more difficult for Sunday than it needed to be. I wondered if I was being too selfish in my role as a mother. I wondered if even my own mom thought I was not a good mom.

I watched the clock. When will Sunday wake up? I can't wait to hold her, to cuddle her, to put her back to sleep. Because I love her so much and I want her to know it.

I waited for Tommy to wake up. I needed him. I needed his encouragement and reassurance.

I prayed. I prayed for comfort, for encouragement, but most of all for discernment. You see, these recent weeks have been so tough. Sunday is transitioning from sleeping a lot to sleeping a lot less and I am having a hard time deciphering her cries. Is she tired? Hungry? Just learning that she can have opinions and express them? I want to respect her needs and guide her wants. Is she too young for this?

I prayed. I waited. I watched the clock.

When Tommy woke at 4:30am I rolled over and immediately bombarded him with my emotions and concerns. Poor guy. He is such a great father and husband, and he takes my emotions so seriously. He respects them and I am so grateful for it. After talking to him for a bit I picked up a book to read about healthy sleeping habits (for babies, of course). Of course, if I can read and learn more about what is going on in this chapter of her life, I can be better prepared. And that makes me a good mom, right? I read a little bit and waited for Sunday to wake up again. You know, so I could hold her, cuddle her, and soothe her back to sleep.

All of this, so I could reassure myself that I was a good mom.

In the meantime, I was placing all of these doubts on myself. Literally beating myself up emotionally. I have never, in all my life, second guessed myself so much. I spent the rest of the morning in this darkness of questioning my decisions, seeking comfort and encouragement from my mom and husband, and quite frankly, really angry at my friend.

Motherhood can be a lonely, lonely road sometimes. In life, my healing process has always been to talk about issues… talk it through with understanding friends. Whatever the problem, discussing it has always helped me process it. But this time? This time I was so scared. Parenting is such a personal thing. I don't know a single person who would say they agree with 100% of our parenting decisions thus far, but that's mostly because I am afraid to ask. What if they find out some of our decisions and they disagree? It can cause such tension, defensiveness, and insecurity between moms who were once great friends. I've discovered that parenting opinions run deep and are so extremely personal.

Finally, come Sunday's mid-day nap time I decided to take a nap myself. Naturally, a bit of sleep does a body (and mind) good. I woke refreshed, feeling sooo much better. I had clarity, finally. I am a good mom and I know it. I am just a different mom than this friend.

And now… now I know what "beating yourself up" really means. I know how hard it is to stop. I know how lonely motherhood can be. I know how personal parenting decisions are. I know a little bit more about healthy baby sleeping habits. I know how supportive my mom and husband can be.

Just another adventure in life… fine tuning me… teaching me. I am grateful for the lessons learned in the last 36 hours. And now I really know what I am saying when I encourage a friend to not "beat yourself up."

And it has begun...

Learning to change our eating habits has to be a slow, step-by-step process. That's just how it works for us. We are so, SO far from having an ideal diet, but we are getting there. We're learning that the best way to handle it is to implement one small change at a time to guarantee the changes will stick. :) Yesterday we started another chapter in our little diet transformation. We signed up for a local CSA and are excited to have fresh, in-season produce delivered to us weekly! Here's a glimpse at our first lot:

Greens and fruit - yummmy! I love our CSA because they include a list of the items, how to care for them, and recipe ideas! They make it SO easy for me. I would never buy these things at the grocery store but with the coaching of our CSA I think we are on our way to discovering some yummy foods we would have never otherwise tried.

Here's a new recipe I'll be trying this week with the food we received: Baked Kale Chips

letters to sunday | months four and five

Baby,

My sweet, smiley baby girl. I have lost track of what happened and when. The past month and a half has been a blur of firsts and a million smiles. I can't tell you where one month ended and the other began. It was somewhere right in the middle that you hit this point where you just got it. You get life. You're here now and it's all totally making sense. It is so fun to watch you discover that things are happening around you.

I truly don't know where to begin. I am leaving so many things out, I just know it. Hopefully the pictures can fill in some of the blanks for you.

You reach for anything that is in your sight and you want to put it all in your mouth. Your grasp is so strong, and oh yes, I feel it regularly. Your nails! Oh the nails! I have to clip them like every other day. You are a little growing machine!

You have found your voice and you KNOW how to use it. You have opinions and you share them. These days I can't tell if you are in NEED or WANT... and I believe this is the beginning of a life long prayer for discernment.

You adore your johnny-jump-up. Love it. You spend hours in it... and I think one day I'm going to find you fast asleep in it. :)

Your naps? They seem to have disappeared. My once wonderful sleeper has turned into miss socialite and you don't want to miss a thing! The only place you can fall asleep peacefully and quickly these days is your car seat. Perhaps mama has taken you one one too many a road trip? It's okay - at least that's something I know for sure will work.

You definitely prefer to be in my arms over anyone else's. And that is quite alright with me. :) I like our little bond...! I'm enjoying it while it lasts because boy is it true that time flies.

You gave up playing in the pack-n-play. The place where you once spent chunks of time playing and exploring has apparently turned into a boring, lonely space. You'd rather jump in the kitchen or lay on the couch! I wonder where the next few months will take us in your world of desires.

Oh and I gave up on bottles. I pretty much have decided that you'll need me by your side every 3 hours for the next few months. God is good and He didn't make me face this realization until He knew I could handle it. Since you are such a quick little eater these days I am okay with having you by my side (and um, chest...) so often. At first it felt like such a time-consuming thing, having to breastfeed you what felt like constantly. But I am finally beginning to understand what all those experienced moms talked about. It's becoming our special time together... we cuddle and you relax and find comfort in these moments. It's priceless to me.

We went on our first family vacation in March and it was SUCH a breeze with you! We went to a cabin at Smith Mountain Lake. You were such a great sport... easy to please and super laid back. We expected it to be a tough adjustment, going on vacation with a baby, but we couldn't have asked for a better trip!

You love bath time, Hawkeye's kisses, getting your diaper changed, playing with your feet, riding in the car, being in your aunt Christy's arms (she keeps you moving!), being outdoors, keys, screens that glow (phones, tvs, tablets), being carried in the ring sling, and mornings with mama.

You are not the biggest fan of playing alone, falling asleep without eating first, sitting in your car seat if it's not en route somewhere, sleeping on your back (not anymore! Now that you can roll over it's the first thing you do when I lay you down!), being away from your mama for a large chunk of time, or anything else when you are tired. :)

I am sure the next time I write a letter to you, it'll be all about your first foods and mobility. Ahhh I can't believe it's right around the corner! Can't you just stay little forever? <3

I love you sweet girl, oh so very much.

xoxo, mama